I got Southerngent’s text when I was paying for groceries, digging for change and answering the bagger, “plastic”. In my mind, I was cooking dinner for the boys, putting away the groceries and then rushing off to counsel my friend tonight. Lots of tasks to check off the list, an impromptu phone conversation didn’t exactly fit into the plan.
I returned his call from the car, bags carefully stowed in the trunk. It was a chilly March evening, sunny and the promise of spring in the air, yet the bite of winter still lingered.
Southerngent reached out to me several times today, this past one was a request to call him. Emotionally, I’m at a different place with him, his extreme hot and cold behavior and the fact that he hasn’t spent time with me lately forced me into a corner, and into the arms of Putter. I was honest with him and told him why I felt the way I did. Although he didn’t intend to hurt me, he did and that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I gave him a part of me, bared my soul to him and gave him a small piece of my heart. We talked a lot about being together and making love. But, it was just talk.
Now on the phone, I explained the reasons for my distance as he tried to bridge the distance with words. Although I’ve waited a long time to hear words like the ones he spoke today, his timing sucked. He completely exposed himself when he said, “I’m ready, I’m falling for you and I haven’t felt this way in a long time, a very long time. I want to be with you, and I’m sure about you. You’re funny, you always make me smile and you’re so damned sexy.” I didn’t know what to say, what could I? I feel like I’ve been beating my head against a wall for weeks, telling him what I need waiting for him to step up and spend time with me. He hesitated and allowed Putter to sneak into that crack. (so to speak, people, lol)
The conversation ended abruptly, a dropped call and no signal, perfect.
Carrying the groceries into the house, I paused to notice the purple crocus blooms. They were the first to proudly trumpet the arrival of spring a couple of weeks ago on a sunny March afternoon. Today, their petals are closed tightly in retreat, reacting to winter’s last icy curtain call. Falling in love is like that, moments of vulnerability and moments of retreat.
It’s been almost two weeks since I saw Southerngent, so despite what he says, his actions send a totally different message. What SHOULD I think? I’ve been strung along way too many times in the past to go down that road again. In a perfect world, I’d already be madly in love with him because he’s everything I could want. But this isn’t a perfect world, by far and he’s only making it worse.
In my mind, I’m still processing my raw feelings for Putter. His kisses still linger on my skin. I reminisce of us being together, naked and all imperfections exposed. Our bodies move together in concert, they fit perfectly. It’s like putting beautiful lyrics with the perfect music. He’s seen my body in poses that only someone wielding a speculum or a hot puddle of bikini wax have ever seen before. I’ve been completely stripped in front of him in every way.
I haven’t heard from him since I saw him and that’s very unsettling. The irony is that while Putter doesn’t SAY a lot, his actions have been doing the talking lately. This is the exact opposite of Southerngent. He SAYS he’s ready, he texts me, calls me, he has the words, but not the actions. He’s not the typical man, he can say the “R” (relationship) word without choking it up. However, if he cannot make time for me it's all irrelevant.
I can juggle schedules, priorities, time demands but I cannot juggle hearts, moreover I don’t want to. Hot or cold, naked or clothed… it’s time to decide.
Smooches,
The Single Mom
Smooches,
The Single Mom
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